Over the past few weeks, I have tried to process some of the feelings that are left lingering since my life was turned upside in the fall of 2009. It was then that the man I had been intimately involved with for about a year-and-a-half dropped (what I perceived to be) a bomb on me. He no longer wanted to stay in our relationship — he felt that my life was too intense for him. His kids were grown, mine were in elementary school. We were on “different” life paths in general. In the end I still feel like he was a coward and, regardless of what I am doing these days, underneath my skin I still feel emotionally devastated.
I’ve read this month’s book for the book club to which I belong — this is what has made me stop and try to analyze what happened to me and how I can keep getting up in the morning and go to work. In the story Signs of Life: A Memoir, Natalie, who is in her fifth month of pregnancy, loses her husband to a freak accident and basically chronicles her journey with grief. While I can’t identify with her exact loss, I felt (and still feel) like I was robbed of what could have been a really beautiful life. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again, and it was a really difficult first six months after my loss had happened before I finally forced myself to get out and get a job working the front desk at a local hotel.
Just as Natalie did in the story, I tried to re-enter my life in itsy-bitsy baby steps: I made myself get out and meet people — did I mention I moved from Colorado to New Jersey after the “bomb?” I went back to work and muddled through all the uncertainties to figure out who I wanted to be when I grew up (so cliché, I know) and what was going to be possible in my “new normal.” What I’m realizing now is that, even though I didn’t end up where I thought I would at age 33, I can still choose to be happy in some way, shape, or form. Again, I am still struggling with my self-esteem and emotional issues (I sure have those days and weeks when all I want to do is curl up and take a nap instead of doing all the things I must do), but I feel like I’m better off at this point than I was back then. Sometimes, I think it would be good for me to see a counselor, to get things off my chest that I haven’t been able to release. I may do that for myself this year.
To help me stay focused on always moving forward, I decided to keep the word “victory” in the forefront of my brain during 2012.
These are my signs of life.
Join From Left to Write on March 29 as we discuss Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own. There is an affiliate link in this post.